Jack's House of Hot Mad Science

Even now, as I commence my task,
his full-toned voice swells in my ears;
his lustrous eyes dwell on me
with all their melancholy sweetness;
I see his thin hand raised in animation,
while the lineaments of his face
are irradiated by the soul within.

Jul 25

I suddenly remembered a detail of that FFVII fic and dude. Dude.

It was a sexy pelvic exam and IUD insertion.

Considering pelvic exams are one of the least-hot things in the universe (I have had them and they suck), that’s kind of impressive. Or something.

Sexy Medfet Pelvic Exam: still hotter than Fifty Shades of Grey.

Still grimly plowing through recaps (everyone else is in bed, leaving me alone at last) and god damn. I just augh.

Way before Fifty Shades was a twinkle in EL James’ eye, I read a bad, bad FFVII fanfic with sort of the same plot. Young ditz meets hot older businessman with troubled past, they bang a lot. A LOT.

The main pairing was Hojo/random female OC. It was way more into the kinky shit than Christian Grey ever dreamed — I mean, there was a sexy-IUD-insertion scene. The main character got a couple piercings For Kinky Reasons. It was a Total Power Exchange relationship. He gives her a collar. I could go on but I’ve not read it in years. Also look man I’m in a pool I ain’t got time to recap the whole thing.

And that shit was miles less creepy than Fifty Shades. Because it was actually fucking consensual on all parts, not Hot Asshole terrorizing and abusing Obvious Reader Substitute. There were some typical “gosh I just can’t control myself around you YOU SEXY THANG” shenanigans, but even then there were at least pauses to make sure both parties were down for boning. Like, actual “here’s what I expect from you, let’s outline what you are and aren’t comfortable with, AND IF YOU DO NOT LIKE A THING I WILL STOP” before they got nasty on the office couch.

Yeah that’s right.

Creeps who want to bang mad scientists with questionable ethics (and I say that with love, since I am one) are still, somehow, less shady in writing about their fantasies than EL James.

Like, lemme make this clear: Professor “Asshole” Hojo came across as more of a sympathetic character here at the height of his mad science weirdness than Christian Grey does when he’s going “Medfet? EWWWW”.

Even the sexy IUD scene (I swear to god I am not lying) was carefully scripted to indicate that Hojo gave half a shit about his sub, because it was about half “I’m legit doing this for your health, but it may be slightly painful, would you like to try some medfet play while we’re here, you expressed an interest in that earlier ;)” and then the main character orgasms a lot (because it’s a BDSM porn fic and those are always about the main character discovering how much they love [specific fetish]) and Hojo is obviously getting off on making HER feel good and ensuring SHE gets what she wants from the scene.

Whereas in Fifty Shades it’s Grey going “Fuck you!” and physically abusing Ana, while she grows more and more certain that she is into exactly zero percent of the whole submission thing.

Goddammit James, you’re getting PAID for failing harder than a random creep writing Final Fantasy fic. Shit.

I mad :(

A poolside drama that occurred just now between me and my brother.


"I’m holding my iPhone, please don’t"

*splashes me with pool water, drenching my phone*

"What the fuck!"

"lol *douchey shrug*"

This is just one iteration of a perennial interaction between me and my brother: I tell him verbally and nonverbally that I don’t want to do something, he does it anyway because it doesn’t bother him so why should it bother me, and when I go “DUDE WTF I ASKED YOU FIVE TIMES NOT TO” he laughs it off and mocks me.

"No" does not mean "no" to my brother. It never has. It never will.

I have tea, Marina and the Diamonds albums, and a warm pool. And there’s a gorgeous lightning storm.

So natch my brother and father refuse to believe I can be enjoying myself, because I’m not CONSTANTLY TALKING.

please get the hint and be quiet

I would like to enjoy the night

I’ve spent a week with my extremely gregarious cousins without snapping

just let me have this ok

Harry Truman + Albert Rosenfield relationship evolution ep.3 → ep.22

(via dontletthehalofoolyou)

Come to think of it I have about 1000 fics bookmarked on various sites, and some of them are BDSM-themed.

Maybe I’ll pull a link collection of fics that suck less than 50 Shades…

(Here’s an older K/S fic that I like with some bondage/domination themes. There’s some fantasy consent play, but I like to think it’s handled better than Fifty Shades: more “oh gosh we are overcome by hormones let’s bang” and they talk things out than “SEX ON MY TERMS WHENEVER BY THE WAY IM IN YOUR HOUSE”.)

Fifty Shades is just so bad I had to take a break from reading RECAPS of it (with short excerpts) so I wouldn’t nervous-hurl.

There’s bad writing and there’s “soooo this is the most un-fucking-canny representation of an abusive relationship ever set to page”, and the latter gives me hives.

Because I’ve never been in an abusive romantic relationship, but I know what the platonic kind looks like. And watching it play out on the page, presented as normal and desireable, makes me nauseous.

Fuck this book.

On the other hand I did spend two hours reading K/S fanfic to reassure myself that there is indeed fanfiction handling BDSM without adding Creepy Abuser to the mix.

“I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia”

What The Fuck Is This Shit

(Also I’m on my phone in the pool, so I’ll answer replies later.)

I feel a lot better about myself now because I have written some pretty bad romance stuff before, but it was just “cheesy and overwrought” rather than “this is an abusive relationship, RUN MOTHERFUCKER”.

Also I had the good taste to lazily write in the main characters as having known each other for longer than a week before they started banging and being all Twu Wuv.

I’m lazy but I’m no EL James… And she’s getting paid for this!

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